Ask me anything
I make these posts 100% to figure out my own feelings, and I’m feeling slightly self-conscious lately putting some shit out here and I really hope for anyone (no one) who reads my text posts that it’s clear they are not a request for someone to ask me what’s up… I really just do it for myself. By all means, if we’re hanging out, we can talk, I would love that. I just get the therapy just by making these short little vague posts. They’re not pleas for someone to ask me what’s up. (This was motivated by nothing so maybe this is all self-centered and horrible but I felt the need to clarify that anyway because sometimes I can’t tell what people want out of putting personal things on tumblr, and I know it varies from person to person and these are my personal thoughts.) Anyway:
AYEEEEEEEEEEE this weekend and earlier in the week I felt like my body was in a constant headache, I was so mad, anxious, and impatient.
A few things have alleviated that in the past 24 hours. One, some sleep. Two, a sense of autonomy over my own physical and mental worth. Two and a half, losing some emotional investment in someone I’ve put a lot of myself into - but of my own volition, not his. And realizing (again) how easy that is and was. Three, building incredibly natural, authentic connection with a person I effortlessly find beautiful in every sense of the word. I am scared of how attracted I am to this person. It feels so good it feels nostalgic.
It’s hard for me to maintain perspective on my own fluctuations. I’m also acutely aware of how fast certain things can blink away. I think since September I have built myself into more of an adult than I even saw possible for myself for this year, and I am amazed at who I have become. But sometimes it feels artificial — when I think about who and what I am still naturally drawn to. I don’t desire security! I don’t desire a partner to be with forever. I don’t even desire monogamy or commitment. Mutual love is a thing I’m not sure how much I need or desire right now. In all those senses, I feel that I am young and still have a long way to go before I can truly be an adult partner to someone. Or is it possible to be an adult partner without those? I don’t know what I’ll want 20, 30 years from now — maybe I’ll never change and stay an independent floater forever.
read an article this week about good vs. interesting experiences - was helpful and relevant
There’s a lot more to this. And there’s a whole other side which I’m not going to argue, because I don’t feel it right now. I’ll probably feel it in a week. I’m going to listen to Ducky and go to bed.
“ You can’t say “I don’t do politics”, because silence is a political statement. ”
tweets to american airlines are so beautiful
___ I finished this personal illustration yesterday. A parrot for a change. The girl and the woman again are based on some of my own childhood photos.
I’m tired of waiting, and I did a few things today for myself. Don’t make me wait anymore — you’re overestimating my patience and loyalty.